The Edventure Auditions!
by WanderingBlackDragon
Summary: This story has been discontinued. Go check out "The Pursuit of KnowlEdge" instead


_Foreword and Author's Notes:_ _And here we are again. I'm making another attempt to start a fanfic series, starting with a remake of a previous story. Strangely enough,_ This _sort of story was meant to be a joke. But, as I wracked my brains, annoying friends, bouncing from one Beta reader to another, I finally came back to this story and figured I can make something workable out of it._

 _There are many reasons why I'm here, writing this. For one, I've been on this site trying to complete a series of fanfiction for years and I've promised myself that I would before moving on to more original works. Secondly, I always liked the interactive nature of story-telling on the internet, since it's a platform for people not only critique someone's work, but also discuss and trade ideas... As rarely as the latter happens._

 _The series is about several things. But, chief among them will be potential. I want to take some of my (and hope yours as well) favorite characters and showcase what (I think) they're truly capable of. Another theme is Evolution. I want to show how that potential can lead people, places, relationships and so on to evolve. With this series, I hope to use a variety of settings and scenarios to explore various themes with our favorite Eds & friends as the front-men._

 _Finally, this series is an AU in which the events of Big Picture Show did not occur. The reason I'm doing this is because I feel the ending of the series was not only contrived, but also messed up some things in continuity; such as the reason for Eddy's behavior and what his brother is actually like._

 _Acknowledgements:_

 _Cocobean3: The only beta reader who's proven helpful, even if most of your ideas ended up being scrapped. I look forward to our continued interactions. I also still need to get back to reading your stuff._

 _Voodooknight & Kingcobra: My friends from Enclave and Skype. Thank you for letting me rattle on about my ideas and giving me someone to bounce ideas off with. Even if Voodoo spent most of it talking about his imaginary sexlife with his waifu :P_

 _SuzumeCA: One of my favorite writers, and a big inspiration for me for a long time. I hope you're doing well. And when are you gonna update?! I WANT MY YURI! (JK)_

 _Riiser: Host of WebcomicRelief on youtube and possibly my harshest critic. Thank you for your help and giving me the criticisms I need to get my head together._

 _BathVader: If it wasn't for you, I would've given up on this site and left months ago. Thank you for still trying to breathe life into this and I hope more people follow your example!_

 _Disclaimer:_ _I don't own squat. Everything the light touches still belongs to Danny Antonucci, that glorious bastard!_

* * *

"Summer rains: You can never predict them."

With the first day of summer vacation, came the first rains of the summer season. From his living room window, Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent, watched his neighbors scurry out of the thick downpour and into their respective dwellings. Except two that scurried _towards_ his front door. Which was why Edd rose to retrieve towels, rather than return to his reading.

He counted the seconds as he ascended the stairs, retrieved a blue and green towel, basket and a hair dryer from the linen closet, then descended the stairs just in time to open the door. On the other side, stood Ed Horace Hill and Eddy Skipper Sampson, with their hands up to pound on the Vincents' front door.

"Good morning, gentlem-!"

"Can you believe this shit, Double D?!" Snatching the green towel and hand dryer, Eddy pushed passed his friend, kicking his shoes off into the "Designated shoe area" between strides and already began drying himself off before Edd could complain.

Edd winced. "What I can't believe is your language, Eddy!"

"Hey, we're outta middle school now, so I ain't gotta worry about standards anymore! Besides, What's more mature than swearin'?"

"Eddy, don't you know profuse profanity is the sign of immaturity and/or limited vocabulary?" Edd lectured with a wagging finger, "Furthermore, it's far too early for such course language!"

Finding a spot to plug in the hand dryer, Eddy turned its hot breeze on himself.

"Are you kiddin'?!" it's the first day'a summer and it friggin' rains!" Eddy complained.

"Well, Eddy, you know how the weather can be. The rain will stop in about an hour from now." Edd explained. Suddenly, he noticed Ed had laid his towel on the floor, crawled on it on all-fours and proceeded to shake himself dry. "Ed!" Edd cried and ran after him with a sponge and a bucket.

"An hour?!" Eddy gasped, "The hell are we supposed to do 'till then?!"

"Oh, I know! We can count teeth! I've been trying to break my record since last year, Eddy!" Ed said.

Edd was beginning to wonder when this lovable oaf would stop bewildering him. "You have a record for counting teeth, Ed?" he looked at Ed whilst his hands still worked the sponge against the splattered walls.

Ed nodded, his typical grin taking up his face. "Yep! I got all the way up to four last year, Double D!" With no further prompt, Ed opened his mouth as wide as he could, and his elastic blue tongue began to prod over his (admittedly) crooked and plaque-ridden teeth. "One... Twoooo... Threee-"

"Ed, might I suggest something more _enlightening_?" Edd cut in. With the wall (re)cleaned, he moved to lift his book from the coffee table and presented it to the other Eds.

They stared at it. Edd's hopeful grin drained away.

Ed craned his head to one side and tried to read the cover. "M-My... Those-and..."

"A book, Double D?!" Eddy snapped, "To hell with that! It's summer time! School's out! We shouldn't be _reading_ anything!"

"Yeah, books make my brain hurt!" Ed added.

Edd rolled his eyes,; not like those comic books are doing it any favors. He turned the book's cover to face him. "There's a lot one can learn from books, fellows! For example, this book, titled "My Thousand miles" written by Andrew McDonald. It's about the tale of a factory worker who decided to take a trek of one-thousands steps, on a spiritual journey of self-discovery!" Edd explained. "In fact there any many fascinating anecdotes about social commentary, family, friendship, politics and the human condition! In fact one of my favorite passage..."

There Edd went lecturing again. With the bookworm's excitement dribbling through one ear and out the other, Eddy's glazed eyes wandered for something more interesting to look out.

"... Why in fact, it's a Las Angeles Times Bestseller, and-"

"Oh, a _bestseller_ , huh?" Eddy feigned interest, "I'll bet this guy's just rolling in cash!"

"Well, authors who tend to become bestsellers aren't exactly living off peanuts, Eddy!" Edd confirmed, "It's also won an award for best Non-fiction last year"

Bestseller... Something about that term grabbed Eddy's brain. Bestseller meant that lots of people bought it. That meant it made money. And if it was featured in a major newspaper like L.A Times, then meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money. And an award? That meant people really liked it. Which meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money.

 **More money**

If that book took Eddy's attention before; it was now holding it hostage. Eddy never cared for books. They were huge bundles of boring that adults made him read just to piss him off. Double D loved them because he was a boring sap who _loved_ to please adults. Oh, Eddy should slap himself! The answer to a lifelong quest was right in Edd's hands, staring him in the face. In fact, hasn't it always?

And from the look setting itself into Eddy's face, Ed and Edd watched him with an oblivious smile and an arched brow respectively.

"I think Eddy's got another idea, Double D!" Ed cheered.

Edd frowned, "That's what I'm afraid of, Ed."

"THAT'S IT, GUYS!" Eddy burst. He jumped up to stand on the easy chair, thrusting a finger at the ceiling, shouting "We should publish a book!"

And just as quickly, Edd's fears evaporated. "That's a wonderful idea, Eddy! Why, producing a literary work of our own should be an excellent way to flex our creative muscles- not to mention actually doing something constructive for once _!_ "

"What was that last bit, Double D?" Eddy asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" Edd covered

"Anyway, so what's our bestselling novel gonna be about?"

Ed's hand immediately shot up and waved about. "Oh, I got an idea, Eddy! I got an idea!" He didn't bother to wait for a response, "Our book is about the time we were kidnapped to the underground lair of a mad scientist, where he performed wicked experiments to turn us into mutant butterflies...!" And to demonstrate, Ed had climbed atop of the sofa and began to flap his arms about.

Edd already knew how this would end. The coffee table was right in front of Ed too. "ED, NO-WAIT!"

Ed jumped from the sofa, trying to flap his arms to fly. Mercifully, gravity allowed Ed to "fly" over the fagile glass table, then Eddy's head before it yanked him to the floor with a **THUD**. Face to the carpet, Ed continued to flap his arms haplessly, whilst impotently wiggling about the floor. He went on, "... After a daring escape, we find that we must suck the bone marrow of Major League Baseball players in order to survive!"

Edd and Eddy watched at the boy pounce on a couch pillow and reeled his head back to drain the hapless furniture of its bone marrow, just before Edd managed to snatch, re-fluff and replace the pillow in its assigned position.

"Perhaps something more _down to earth_ , Ed?" Edd suggested, "Instead; I suggest a memoir in which we camp out in the forests, exploring its lush nature landscapes, cataloging and studying the diverse and fascinating local wildlife?"

The way Eddy glared at him was answer enough.

In the brief moment Edd prepared to plead his case, Eddy's finger thrust to the ceiling and his voice blared, "We're gonna make a-..." Eddy snapped his fingers. The word was on the tip of his tongue, "... A...!" Come on, vocabulary, don't fail him now! "... Damnit! What's it called when you write a story about yer'self, Double D?"

"Autobiography, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"... Yeah! We're gonna write an auto-biology about our totally awesome and kickass adventures!"

"Cool!" Ed said.

Edd merely quirked his brow, his fears returning with a vengeance. "Surely, you're not referring to the innumerous failed attempts at conning the other children out of their allowance, and/or gain their acceptance as peers? Who in their right mind would want to read about _that_?"

"Psst! That's kids stuff, Double D...!" Eddy dismissed with a wave.

"So, you admit your hair brained schemes were, in fact, hair brain-" When Eddy beaned Edd with the pillow, he didn't expect the sock-hatted one to fall over from the force.

"As I was sayin'!" Eddy barked, "All that's just kid's stuff! _These_ adventures are gonna be big time, boys! I'm talkin' an action-adventure-kung-fu-political-thriller-heist-porno-comedy!"

By then, Edd had recovered from Eddy's assault with a pillow and moved to place it back from where Eddy had grabbed it. Once it was properly re-fluffed and placed back in its designated position, he asked, "Eddy, what events in our lives have ever met the standards of such a convoluted and ridiculous genre? Have you and Ed learned _nothing_ from that school newspaper dabocile?"

"'Course I have, Sock-head!" Eddy answered, "And that's why we're gonna do it for real first!"

"It's adventure time!" Ed added

"Am I the only one who can see how this would go wrong?" Edd wondered to himself more than anything.

"Whatcha on about this time?!"

Edd took the momentary silence to construct his case. "For instance: One of the genre you listed was "Kung-Fu", implying it will involve martial arts -and knowing you, combat-. However, the only martial arts experience any of us have was a dojo scam -which failed-, and your ill-fated attempts to make Jimmy a sumo wrestler -which was doomed from the start, admittedly-."

"What, I never told you I know the deadliest style around, Double D?"

"Oh, and I still remember those sumo moves from TV, Double D!" Ed chimed in. He never realized they weren't watching him slip out of his clothes, tie his jacket into a makeshift _Mawashi_ and begin to range about the living room, felling imaginary enemies with deadly belly thrusts. " **SUCKY-YUCKY**!"

"... And what, may I ask, is this "Deadliest style around", Eddy?" Edd wearily challenged.

"Outta my way, Samurai warrior! For I'm a mission! **TOYOTA**!"

Eddy hopped off the chair and extended his arms in some unidentifiable pose. "It's a secret and deadly technique known as..." Edd thought the pause was an invitation to speak, "... Whup-ass!"

What could Edd say to something so ridiculous? Whup-A$$? The name in itself told him all he needed to know. "Pardon?"

Meanwhile, Ed's imaginary battle had taken him to the kitchen "HA! Thought you could sneak up on me, deadly cyborg ninja of the Wasabi clan! Your exploding taser shuriken are no match for my Burr-head Bump! **MITSUBISHI**!"

 **THUD**

"Whupass, Double D, is the fighting style my brother invented it after he won the world kickboxin' championship when he was eight! He taught it to me when I was five! I managed to get my quadruple black belt before he left!"

Ed's battle with his imaginary nemeses had taken him outside into the rain. "Release Princess Momo, evil tentacle monster from the _Makai_ dimension! For I, Yokuzuna Ed will not allow you to molest her with your tentacle-ness...! Oh, no! It's got me! It seems I have no choice...! **SEGA!** "

 **CRASH**

"Barring the obvious..." Edd began evenly, "Firstly, Eddy: black belts are ranked by degrees, not multiples. Secondly: It sounds like your brother was simply pulling your leg again. After all, what professional fighting circuit in their right mind would allow a child to compete against grown adults?"

"The kind that knows my brother's the man, Double D! Just like I'm gonna be when this book becomes a bestseller!" Eddy gloated.

"Right. Just, what would we be doing in this overly elaborate and I'm assuming dangerous adventure of yours?" Edd asked.

"Obviously kickass stuff, Double D!" Eddy answered, "With car chases and gun-sword fights with ninjas while rescuing the President! Followed by debriefing 'n cocktails where I make out with his hot daughters!"

Where to begin? "And for what purpose would we be doing _any_ of this?" Edd questioned

"'Cause that's what badasses do, Double D! Like Jack Bauer, and Jason Stathem!"

"That's not answering the question, Eddy!" Edd sighed, " _Why_ would we be doing _any_ of these things? _Who_ is chasing whom in these car chases? _Why_ we are getting into -as you put it- gun/sword fights with ninja assassins? Why would it fall to _us_ ; three average middle school graduates to rescue the president rather than, say, the secret service, C.I.A., military, or even law enforcement, who, such a task would rightfully fall upon? And from _what_ threat?"

Eddy sucked his teeth, "What, don't you see the movies, Double D? Those hacks couldn't keep a cheeseburger from gettin' eaten at a vegan convention!"

"That's a strangely specific analogy..." Edd mused.

Eddy shrugged, "Hey, they can't all be gold."

"But, in that case, look at it like a movie. What is the _plot_ , the _goal_? There's a _reason_ James Bond is getting into car chases and fights and lurid one night stands: and that's to attain a singular goal of stopping whatever terrorist is threatening the world at the time!"

"What, you mean the boring shit that happens between the good stuff?" Eddy shot back, "Nobody cares about that, Double D! It's just there to pad out the movie and shut up soccer moms who keep bitchin' about "It's too violent and sexualized"!"

" _Like_ your _mother, Eddy?"_ Edd almost quipped. There was a better point to make, "Eddy, even Ed's idea had a plot! Plot is the driving force of the story! It breathes life into it! Plot gives the events meaning through context! Plot gives the characters motivation through conflict! It's the glue that holds everything together!"

"Oh, and what's the "plot" to _your_ idea, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "We go out to look at birds 'n flowers 'n crap, 'cause you're too big a wuss to go on a _real_ adventure!?"

"There's far more to it than just observing bird and plant life, Eddy!" Edd shot back, "It's about the adventure of traversing beautiful landscapes and exploring the simple wonders of the natural world, the deepening bonds of friendship that we share and the spiritual journey we take within ourselves to discover who we truly are!"

"I can sum that up in two words: Snores. Ville!"

Edd deflated in a huff. "At this rate, we're not even going to make it to the foreword."

"Well, where are we supposed to get a "plot" from, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "Outta the mailbox?!"

As if on some cue, Edd's front door swung open, as Ed had used his head to jar it open. In his hand was a flyer. "You've got mail!"

* * *

The three Eds were seated around the coffee table. Edd had spent the five minutes prior inspecting the strange letter with a magnifying glass. On the sofa across from him sat the other Eds. Ed took another crack at his teeth-counting record. He almost made it. Eddy on the other end, busily drummed his fingers over the armrest. He had finally mastered the baseline to James Brown's "Big Payback"

But, he'd waited long enough. "So, what's it say, Double D? I'll be it's from the president! I told you my idea was gold!"

"Actually, I've yet to read it, Eddy." Edd pointed out. Setting the magnifying glass on the table, Edd flipped the sheet over to give it one last glance over. "I find it strange that there's no return address..."

"So, what's it say?" Eddy urged.

Edd cleared his throat,

 _To Mr. Eddward Marian-_

Ed and Eddy's snickering broke his concentration. A frown quickly silenced them. But, not without Ed getting a quick "That's a girl's name!" out.

Edd rolled his eyes.

 _To Mr. Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent._

 _Please excuse the frankness of this letter, and the dubious circumstances upon which it had been delivered. However, time is of the essence and I lack the ability to grant you the delicacy this situation requires. First and foremost, I am a representative of a network of explorers, scientists, philosophers, artists, activists, and those of the inclination to use their talents for the betterment of good and the on-gong pursuit of knowledge! It is my utmost honor to extend to you an invitation to join this illustrious, and ever expanding network; by taking part in our upcoming summer training camp._

 _It is an intensive program, open only to those with great potential. In this camp, you will have the opportunity to study advanced scientific fields such as quantum physic-_

"Lemme see that!" ignoring Edd's cry of protest, Eddy swiftly snatched the letter away and nearly sundered it. A skim later, Eddy looked up at Edd with a flat stare. "You should getcha eyes checked, Double D! It doesn't say anything about some "Advanced scientific fields"!"

"Is that so?" Edd replied, "Because that is clearly what was stated in the letter, Eddy!"

"No it ain't! It actually says..."

 _Are you a bad enough badass to take part in the most manliest, badass-est, explosive, and most exclusive camp ever made?! Forget the Urban Rangers! Only the toughest, most awesomest badasses ever are invited!_

 _Rub elbows with famous and important people from all over! Hang out and "study" with the hottest, vivacious babes that'll make that girl next door look like Jane Plain 'n Tall! Learn the tricks of the trade from the world's most elite spies, assassins and men of dange-_

"Oh my turn, Eddy!" When Ed grabbed the letter...

"Ed, you be careful with that!" Edd whined,

Ed ended up catapulting Eddy into the wall behind him, before perusing the letter proper. Then he stopped, and nearly twisted his head a full one-hundred-eighty degrees to shake his head at Eddy. "Tsk, tsk, Eddy! That's not what the letter says!"

"Yes, thank you, Ed." Edd sighed, "I was wondering where Eddy got that ridiculous-"

"It actually says..."

 _Hark, adventurer! For there is evil afoot! Are you brave enough to face that which goes bump in the night? Are you ready to journey into the depths of the final frontier to take on the Borg Collective and save the universe from assimilation? Then do not hesitate to join this year's Adventurer's Training Camp!_

 _Train with the toughest, hardest and most fearless superheroes, space outlaws, demon hunters and vikings from across the multiverse! Learn about the many strange and exotic creatures unknown to man! Learn how to rescue princesses from evil mutant turtles, and become the hero you were meant to be!_

 _Oh, and there'll be snacks, too!_

"Ed, if I may?" Edd asked at length.

When Ed handed back the letter, Edd skimmed through what he read until he landed where he left off. He glanced up at Eddy picking himself from the floor and storming back to the couch, then followed his glowering to Ed's empty headed smile, then back to the letter. What on earth were they reading? Sometimes people will see what they want. Ah, here's where Edd left off.

… _Quantum Physics, chronology, archaeology, investigative psychology, astronomy, to name a few. However, I must also inform you that this invitation is only valid if you come as part of a group of six. Please have your group assembled and call 843-362867 before June 2nd._

 _Regards._

But who's regards? Setting the letter down, Edd paid little attention to Eddy snatching it from the table, and juggled the whole thing in his mind. For one, that phone number only had nine digits; a standard phone number, including the area code, had ten. The rest of this letter was written exquisitely well, so why would the sender allow it to be sent with this typo? Furthermore, the prerequisites were most unusual; shouldn't the sender also send invitations to those other five? Of course there was still the fact that the letter lacked a return address, and now a name.

"June second?" Eddy parroted, making Edd look up and watch him strain to answer his own question.

"That's tomorrow, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"TOMORROW?! HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND THREE MORE PEOPLE BEFORE THEN?! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S RAINING?!" Sometimes Edd wondered how Eddy's voicebox didn't give out from all that yelling.

"Well, as I stated, Eddy, the rain ought to stop soon." Edd explained, "However, don't you think we should be more concerned about the mysterious circumstances of this letter?"

"I told ya, it's from the president!" Eddy dismissed with a grin.

Of course, only Eddy would think that. However, Ed's finger rose to draw the other Eds' attention and halt any doubting retorts Edd thought up.

"I think I just thunk, guys!" Ed announced, and Edd winced at that butchered grammar, "We should do tryouts and stuff, like that one time we had a talent show and my eyebrow started growing all over me!"

And so Eddy's grin made room for thought. He nodded, "Yeah, not a bad idea, Lumpy!"

"Or..." Edd interjected, "The Urban Rangers are holding a meeting today. Perhaps, we ought to invite-"

Eddy's laugh was the fourth time he interrupted Edd, and all the answer he needed. "Ha ha hell no!"

* * *

An hour later, the downpour had indeed ended. The endless grays painting the skies broke into soft patches of white, and a vengeful sun worked to dry the lands. When the three Eds stepped out of the Vincent house, Ed was armed with a stack of fliers nearly as high as he was tall. Edd nearly worked his father's printer to death to make those.

Throwing his palm up on the oaf's shoulder, Eddy coached him, "Now, remember, Ed: Put those fliers anywhere 'n everywhere in town! Got it, lumpy?"

Balancing the wavering stack in one hand, Ed saluted Eddy, "Roger Wilco!" then broke into a mad dash. A litter of fliers followed Ed as he rounded the corner out of the cul-de-sac. He could last be heard shouting "I'm on a mission, beeyatch!"

The spectacle tickled Eddy, making him hunch over as he laughed. Edd could only shake his head; Eddy's sudden preference for profanity had infected Ed as well. Edd could only hope this wouldn't become an epidemic. But, the decline of clean language would have to wait, as there was a stand that needed building and a junkyard full of materials to raid.

Of course, Edd would get his exercise for the day, as he was made to drag the pile of plywood and a discarded kitchen counter back to the cul-de-sac by some miracle. The construction of the actual stand would prove less strenuous, if arduous, since Eddy burdened himself with a most important task: Lounging on a lawn chair and soaking up the sun's fury.

Perilously perched on a rickety ladder, Edd had to steady every fiber of his being as he nailed the sign, reading "Eds' Adventurer's Auditions" in his meticulously tight print, to the top.

Occasionally Eddy would shout some encouragement, "C'mon, Double D! I ain't getting' any younger!"

"You kno- OH!"

With a jolt, Edd managed to grasp the half-secured sign as the ladder slipped from under him. Trapped, Edd's arms squeezed into the splintering wood, his body fighting to still itself.

"Eddy! Help me!" Edd wailed.

With a reflector blasting bright white rays into his face, Eddy even couldn't burden himself with looking up. "You got it, Double D!" He shouted back.

"Eddy! Eddy, the sign's slipping! I'm going down! I'M GOING- AAAH!" The sound of Edd's lithe frame smacking against pavement could be heard across town, evident by Plank poking his head from a distant tree to observe the commotion.

Yet, Eddy hardly noticed. "Christ! Am I the only one that _works_ around here?"

Once Edd had recovered from the impact of his fall, it took him half an hour to procure the necessary helmet and safety padding before attempting to attach the sign again. Mercifully, that rickety old ladder chose to hold still long enough for Edd to nail the sign to its spot.

Once Eddy was crispy enough, he put his tanning equipment away and slipped back on his bowler shirt just in time to see Edd gingerly climbing down the ladder. "Took ya' long enough!" He spat then missed Edd's wide, twitching glare to admire the stand.

"Thing's a beaut, Double D" Eddy complimented.

"Why, thank you Eddy!" If only Eddy noticed the trembling and grating in Edd's voice, "And to think it only took two hours, forty-three minutes, several scrapes and bruises and a concussion!"

Eddy suddenly glanced about the cul-de-sac. "The hell's takin' Ed so long?"

"Well, I certainly hope he didn't ge- ACK!"

The manhole cover besides Edd's foot popped up, sending the boy jumping into Eddy's arms... Right before Eddy dropped him on his butt. With said manhole cover sitting atop his head, Ed poked his head from the sewers and hastily scanned his surroundings. Edd could've sworn Ed looked frightened before he smiled and blathered,"HELLO!"

"Yes, hello, Ed." Edd wearily returned.

"'Bout time you got back!" Eddy groused, "We're gonna start the auditions! Did ya' put up all the signs?"

Climbing out of the sewers, with the manhole cover now acting as a hat, Ed gave a thumbs up. "I put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy! Just like ya' said!"

Picking himself up and rubbing the sting from his coccyx, Edd shot a glance at Ed's unusual point of ingress. Hopefully Ed's confirmation didn't mean the sewers were now covered with fliers. Matter of fact, "Ed, _why_ pray tell were you in the sewers in the first place?"

Taken aback, Ed suddenly glanced over the hole in the street then whipped his head about. Snapping his fingers, the big oaf promptly yanked what looked like a trash can from his coat and plugged it into the manhole.

"There, my tracks are covered!" Ed turned to answer the obvious question,

When Eddy suddenly cut in front of him, "C'mon! We're burnin' daylight here!"

Thus, the Eds took their place behind the stand and waited.

Waited.

Waited.

And wai-

"C'MON ALREADY!" Eddy's voice blasted the silence and sent a flock of birds scrambling for the skies. " WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?!"

"Eddy, it's only been two minutes." Edd pointed out.

"ARGH! It's like watchin' paint dry!" Eddy growled.

"Oh, this is just like when I watch the gravy in my tub ferment, Eddy!" Ed chimed in.

That earned a sideways glance from the other two Eds. It took Edd a considerable amount of effort to force his breakfast grapefruit to stay put with the way his stomach wreathed at the thought. "Thank you for sharing that, Ed." He managed, then turned to Eddy's scowling, "Now, Eddy, patience is a virtue! But, might I suggest we go speak to the Ur-"

"SOMEBODY'S COMIN'!" Eddy announced and his pointing directed the Eds' eyes to Kevin's garage door opening. Could Edd please be allowed a complete statement today?

Strangely, Eddy's excitement blinded him to the fact that the gait riding up to them on his bike belonged to his next door neighbor, neighborhood jock, and lifelong nemesis. When Kevin Barr did in fact skid to a stop and kick his kickstand down, that fact slapped Eddy upside his head and a sneer formed to match Kevin's.

"Oh, it's _you_!" Eddy spat.

"Hi, Kevin!" Ed greeted.

Kevin's sneer only had eyes for Eddy, "Alright, what scam are you dorks runnin' this time?!" He demanded. From his pocket, Kevin yanked out a crumpled copy of the Eds' flier. "I found _this_ littered all over my lawn!"

"Well, before anything, Kevin, I would like to apologize for Ed's advertising methods. Now, addressing your question; I can assure you this venture is perfectly legitimate -as are most of them are, admittedly-. We're preparing for an adventure, of which we intend to publish an autobiography about. However, we require some extra participants, hence we're holding auditions to determine who would come with us!" Edd explained, then threw on a smile he hoped would convince Kevin.

The jock in question rested his chin over his hand. Between the sign, the flyer in hand, and the smiling, nervously smiling, and sneering Eds, he test the thought in his mind. "... So, if I make this audition; you dorks'll write a book about me?"

"Well, not strictly about one parti-"

"In yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy snapped over Edd, "These auditions are only open to the most elite, hardcore baddasses around! Besides, who the hell would wanna read a book about _you?_ " With his sneer cracking into a smirk, Eddy shook to contain his laughter.

"Oh, like you Jackass rejects are so noteworthy?!" Kevin spat, "I'd pretty much _carry_ this "Adventure" of yours! For one, I'm better lookin'..."

"Better lookin' than Ed, maybe!" Eddy cut in.

Kevin's ranting tripped over itself. In the brief silence, his sneering sharpened into a glare that cut Eddy's snorting to a halt. "... Anyway...! I got the best chance of getting' with Nazz..."

"Not even in yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy broke into a full laugh that bent him over and smacked his head into the stand's counter top.

Despite Eddy smacking himself to silence, Edd couldn't help noticing the fury staining Kevin's skin red, and his teeth gnashing with enough pressure to make a diamond. Edd had been dragged into this situation enough times to know Eddy mustn't anger him again, lest the Eds be served a knuckle sandwich each.

"As. I. Was. Saying...!" Kevin seethed then settled. "... Besides all that, I got wicked BMXin' skills, which also landed me the record for the longest skid mark!" He let that last one hang in the air, letting just a little of his glowering show. The whole time, Kevin's eyes focused on Eddy, watching, begging him to laugh, to quip something smart, any excuse to use the little loudmouth for a punching bag.

And all parties could see Eddy fighting it. Wavering eyes meeting Kevin's and the beads of sweat running down his sun-scorched skin. Eddy wrestled with hips to be still as they twisted and turned in protest. Finally, Eddy's face straightened and Edd released a baited breath.

"Whew." The sock-hatted one turned to address Kevin, "Now, Kev-"

"More like longest skidmark on yer underwear!" Eddy was so close. So close!

"Burn!" Ed added.

And so the last straw broke and Kevin hopped off his bike to stomp a B-line for the Eds. "That's it! I'mma make a skidmark outta _you_ , Dork!" He barked.

 _Now_ , Eddy regretted his mockery. But, despite an exit literally right next to him, Eddy could only watch Kevin advance as if caught between a rock and a hard place. "W-Wait a sec, Kev...!" And fear choked the rest of Eddy's pleas from him.

"Look out, Kevin! Eddy's a quadruple black belt in Whupass!" Ed cautioned.

"Not helping, Ed!" Edd cried.

"I'll give ya' a double black eye in getting yer ass whupped!" Kevin snapped.

He was almost there. Eddy should run. He wanted to run. But, damn his legs for taking the instinct for flight as a command to quake impotently. The jock with a fist reserved for Eddy's face was at the counter, cocking back a haymaker. Eddy squeezed his eyes shut.

"Kevin, wait!" Edd cried.

Nothing. No familiar agony of fist merging with Eddy's face. As Eddy eased his eyes back open, he saw Kevin holding his pose, eyes on Edd who bargained for Eddy's well being, "Perhaps a non-violent display of your "wicked BMXin' skills" would be more appropriate?"

When Kevin's light green eyes flicked to Eddy, the shorter boy flinched. Looking back to Edd, the jock settled for folding his arms over his chest.

"Whatcha got in mind?"

Finally, Eddy could breathe again.

"Kevin, you forgot to beat up Eddy!" Ed pointed out.

* * *

Ignoring protests and rants from Eddy, Ed and Edd displaced their stand from the middle of the street, to the curb in front of Jimmy's house. The following hour and a half had been spent assisting Kevin in collecting, then working another pile of plywood into a serviceable ramp set in front of Ed's house. Left to stand alone at the stand, Eddy followed his friend and mortal enemy's work with a glare that made the sun jealous.

Occasionally one would say something that actually coaxed a laugh from the other. What were they laughing about? Was it about Eddy? Of course, in Eddy's paranoid mind, Kevin was the benefactor of all of Eddy's setbacks; it would only be natural for that asshole jock to try to turn the brains of his trio to _his_ side.

The presence of the ramp, and the commotion its construction caused managed to beckon the attention of Ed's little hell spawn, Sarah Hill, and the cul-de-sac sweetheart, Nazz Van Bartonschmeer. For a moment, the fact Rolf, Jimmy and Jonny were absent was odd, until someone remembered they were holding an Urban Rangers meeting.

For the occasion, Nazz and Sarah dusted off their Peach Creek Cobblers cheerleading uniforms, complete with pom pomps and a stereo blasting some crappy pop song Eddy couldn't be hassled to remember. Nazz held Eddy's eyes, dragging his attention where ever she pranced and jumped and cheered. Every jump birthed the hope Nazz's skirt would flutter high enough to make this farce worth his time.

The fifth time Eddy's hopes were dashed, his gaze broke away to Kevin, perched on his bike on Jonny's driveway, strapping on his trusted -if rarely used- red and flame decorated bike helmet.

When Edd finally appeared beside him at the stand, Eddy's ire fell to him. "Done helpin' the enemy, Double Crosser?" He seethed.

"Oh, Eddy, get over yourself!" Edd shot back, "By assisting Kevin, not only did the set up take less time, but it also presented an opportunity to get use-"

"Oh, can it, Sockhead!" Eddy snapped. Even looking right at him, he failed to notice to darkening expression Edd's face took. "'N what's with the cheerin' section anyway?! What makes this bazooka chinned bastard so special?!"

Edd rolled his eyes with a huff. "You know, Eddy. Something like this takes a considerable amount of courage and effort! You ought to show a little more appreciation!"

"What _this_?!" Eddy shot back, gesturing to the ramp, " _I_ can do this with my hands tied behind my back on a unicycle!

"Just like the time ya' lost your voice!" Ed chimed in, "Right, Eddy?"

"You wish you had the balls for this, dork!" Kevin shouted across the street.

Blue eyes batting between his fellow Eds, then the spectacle across from them, Eddy finally huffed a sigh of defeat, "I'm gonna get a Coke!" He announced, "Lemme know when Evel Kneivel over there's done snuffin' it!"

"Will do, Eddy!" Ed saluted.

Eddy managed two struts towards his house before Edd cried after him, "Eddy! Don't walk in front of the ramp!"

When Eddy did stop, Kevin had already squeezed the brakes shut and pedaled with all his might, kicking dust and the stench of burning rubber into the air. Looking back at Edd, Eddy waved him off then continued strutting. It was the exact moment Kevin released the breaks and peeled out into a streak that turned Eddy into a skidmark.

Every bulging, unblinking eye watched the collision flip Kevin over and his momentum drag his face up the ramp, before flinging him over Ed's house. A sigh of relief blew out of Sarah as Kevin cleared her backyard. Instead, the jock flipped end over end until gravity tugged him into the baking, unyielding asphalt in the construction sight. The next moment, his faithful bike landed atop of him in a heap of broken limbs and twisted metal.

"Ouch, dude!" Kevin wheezed.

Back in the cul-de-sac, the onlookers didn't see, but felt Kevin's crash.

Amidst the cringing, Edd said, "Oh, dear! Well, thankfully I always keep an emergency first-aid kit in the event of-"

 **KA-BOOM**

The impossibility punched Edd's gut. Kevin's bike just exploded? Why did Kevin's bike explode? After all, it isn't gas powered in an-

"OH MY GOD! KEVIN!" Nazz screeched. Pompoms discarded and forgotten, the blonde made a mad dash for the construction sight, a pillar of black smoke marking Kevin's location.

Of course! Assess now, agonize later. Thankfully, Edd also kept an emergency fire extinguisher for such situations. With it in hand, Edd fell behind Nazz, chanting "Notgoodnotgoodnotgood!" All the way.

Suddenly Sarah snapped out of her trance and followed suit. "Holy shit!" she cried.

Now it was Ed's turn to run. "Sarah!" he shouted after his sister, "Watch your language!"

Alone and in great pain, Eddy had little to do, but stare off into space.

"Why is my life pain?"

* * *

Once Kevin's injuries were properly treated and the EMTs loaded him, and a worrying Nazz unto the back of an ambulance, Edd was left to tend to Eddy's medical needs before Kevin's ramp had to be dismantled and the Eds' auditioning stand returned to taking up the middle of the street. When this task finished, the clear skies glowed a waning orange as the day slowly burned out.

With Ed beside him, taking another crack at his teeth counting record, Edd used the lingering silence to contemplate the day's events. That letter of invitation sitting in his pocket still teased his thoughts. Now that he had time to think about it, that letter's promises seem-

"Stupid asshole Kevin 'n his stupid asshole bike jump!" Eddy grumbled. When he joined the other Eds at the stand, his bowler shirt had to be replaced and a fresh strip of road rash ran from his forehead to far below the confines of his clothes.

Edd shook his head. "Serves you right, Eddy!" He admonished, "This should serve as a lesson about observin-"

"Oh shut up!" Eddy barked. "Let's get to our next audition!" And his glowering lightened into a grin, "I'll bet it's Nazz! I know she just can't wait to go on an adventure with _me_!"

"Eddy, Nazz went with Kevin to the hospital." Edd interjected.

Eddy's head nearly twisted off, it turned to Edd so fast. "What?!" He gasped, "Then who the hell are we gonna audition next?! Sarah?!"

"Sarah bad for Ed!" Ed whined.

"Or..." Edd made sure he had Eddy's attention, "... Perhaps we can go speak to the Urban Rangers, now?"

Eddy's wide eyes and aghast mouth was answer enough. But, non-verbal cues were not Eddy's style, "What, those badge-hoardin' good-for-nothin's?!

"I've failed to see why we shouldn't, Eddy!" Edd insisted, "After all, with their skill sets, they would be uniquely qualified for an endeavor such as this!"

"Oh, like that one time _you_ went to them for help gettin' Ed back from the Kankers 'n they botched it?!" Eddy countered.

"Oh, he's gotcha there, Double D." Ed nodded.

True, but Edd's counter was right beside him, "Well, in their defense, Eddy. The rangers' tactics would have succeeded if not for Ed's blustering, exposing their attempts to The Kankers in the first place!"

For a moment, Eddy's gaze shot over to Ed, who offered a shrug. "Yep, sounds like me alright!"

Eddy's lip caught between clenched teeth. Edd had him, perhaps the short one would see reason and-

"Yeah? Gimme one good reason why we should invite'em?"

Three good reasons appeared several paces from the stand. With their attention fixed on one another, Edd and Eddy couldn't see them. And the sight of them rendered Ed mute with fright.

"Hiya, boys!" They chorused.

Chills slithered up each Ed's spine and lanced across their limbs. They knew that chorus. The end times had come. Their plan went on spoken. Don't move. Don't even breathe. No sudden moves. Just

"RUN AWAY!"

Stand abandoned, the Eds only managed four paces before something pounced on them and this sticky thing pressed them to the street and then into a bundle. All forward moment died, gradually becoming backward momentum as they were reeled in. It took the Eds until they were dragged to The Kanker Sisters' feet to realize they were in a net, and the nightmare trio steadied a long fishing pole they used to reel them in.

"Seems like we got the catch of the day!" Laughed Lee Kanker

Resentmen pushed fear's grip for Eddy's throat, "What the hell're _you_ doin' here?!" He demanded.

"We came to answer your invite!" Marie answered.

Each Kanker produced a familiar sheet of paper; their flyer for the auditions.

The implication clubbed Eddy over the head. He strained to turn his head, his ire on a quaking Ed. "Why the hell did you put fliers up in the trailer park?!"

"But ya' said to put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy!"

And that implication punched Eddy in the chest. At least that explained Ed's strange entrance earlier. Of course, only Edd noticed they were being moved again. Through the netting, Edd watched as the entrance to the forest loom to welcome them.

The Kankers intended to drag this out.

* * *

The approaching dusk set the forest into a contrast of light and shadows. Since they arrived, the Urban Rangers had been scouting, planning and waiting. Hidden among the trees, Rolf Kelamis, leader of the Urban Rangers, son of a shepherd, scanned the wilderness through a spyglass. Teeth, green from his motherland's delicacies, gnashed and ground at each other as he did his umpteenth sweep.

"See anything, Rolf?" Hissed Ranger Jonny "Two-by-four" Grove behind him. "Plank's got nothin' either."

"The forest remains as empty as Rolf's great-nano's eye socket!" Rolf hissed back.

"Um, gentlemen?" Peeped Ranger Jimmy Christensen from below. Looking down and across, the other rangers found him blending into a bush that shivered with him. "Are you sure that intel was good? We've been out here for hours and my-"

"Enough, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf grunting might as well have been a shout.

Both rangers promptly lost their voice. Rolf had always been strict, intense. But, none of them had ever seen him so on edge before. When the rains stopped and the Urban Ranger's meeting moved back to Rolf's farm, they were greeted by a man in a brown coat. The thought of that mysterious British gentleman brought a smile to Jimmy's face, before a rustle whisked them away.

Up in his tree, Rolf spied their prey; the dreaded Kanker Sisters laughing to themselves with the lead, Lee, knocking a fishing pole to her shoulder. The moment those scourges from the trailer park appeared, Rolf's mind went back to that man and their exchange.

" _... So,_ _why should we do this?" Rolf asked._

 _The man smiled, leaning in to whisper, "What if I told you that you'd have another chance at that pewter medallion? What if, by doing this, you'd not only get redemption, but a chance to become_ Runesalvie?"

 _Rolf reeled back and the stranger in the brown coat smiled, leering. They both knew what that meant. The elders of his villages would sometimes speak of them in hushed tones. Alas, the Runesalvie were gone. Their hermitage in shambles, their tongues dead, their legacy only myth and speculation. Who was this stranger to speak as if that which had been lost was simply found in a cupboard? This was a trick, a rouse to rival those damned Ed-boys! Even as it tugged at Rolf's heart so!_

" _Do you take Rolf to be a Merry Andrew, stranger?!" Rolf snapped._

 _Still smiling, still collected and sure, the stranger paced about Rolf. "I was told much about you Rolf Kelamis; Son of a Shepherd! They say you're wise, possessing the spine of an ox and nerves of steel! They say you are a born leader, a man that can not deny a challenge! Oh, you're many things Rolf Kelamis; a Merry Andrew is not one!" His pacing brought him beside Rolf, face a breath from the boy's ear._

" _Were they wrong about you?"_

"Look! They've got the Eds!" Jonny whispered.

Snapping from his trance, Rolf jammed the spyglass to his eye and made The Eds trapped in a net covered in some substance and being dragged behind the Kankers by some witchery. It took Rolf's mind a moment to register the line connecting the poor sod's bonds to a fishing pole Lee hefted. Rolf lowered the spyglass with sweating palms. So sweaty, the instrument nearly slipped from his grasp.

This was a jest. It has to be! That stranger is in league with those trailer park witches; tempting Rolf with sweet promises of redemption and legend! A lure to drag the proud rangers to more demise and disgrace! They should turn back. They should flee and... And...

" _Were they wrong about you?"_

No.

This isn't fear. The sweating, the quaking, Rolf's heart pounding in his ears and his guts dancing isn't fear

"Take your positions!" Rolf hissed to his subordinates. He barely finished before they slipped away.

Rolf was alone.

This isn't fear. This is Rolf's body stoking the flames of his fury. Grasping his weapon, Rolf too slipped away, the forest covering his transit.

"Laugh while you can Kanker witches. For retribution is at hand!"

* * *

The Dwindling distance to the Park 'n Flush trailer park had ignited the Eds' panic. As Ed and Eddy strained fruitlessly against their bindings.

"NNNGH! What's this shit made of?!" Eddy grunted!

"It's enchanted with the power of the dark side, Eddy!" Ed strained.

"Nope! This fishin' net's coated with out special Kanker rubber cement!" Lee said

Despite it all, a sardonic smirk crossed Edd's lips. At least they were consistent. Still,

"Ladies, please! We were in the middle of auditions!"

For the first time since their appearance, the Kankers actually looked at the fliers. Then broke into laughter.

"Ha! Can you imagine these wimps tryin' to go on an adventure?" Lee said.

"I know right? 'N then tryin' to make a book out of it?" Marie added, "Hey, how about the time Oven-mit over there got his ass kicked by the queer kid?"

Oh, Marie. Always cutting deep.

"Or that time we whupped their asses in that rasslin' match?" May added.

Another cut.

"Oh, and the time we wreck their little cruise and took their first kiss?" Lee added

How could they?

"And the time we tricked them into coming to our wedding?" Marie said

Stop it.

"And let's not forget when we made'em pull our wagon to our honeymoon!" Lee laughed, "Now, if that ain't love; I dunno what is!"

All of it, the traumas, remembered agonies, the nights Edd would wake in cold sweats, paranoia making him see these sisters where they weren't there. Nerves rattling and his breaths scarce, Edd curled into a ball. Trying to shut out the laughing, trying to push the painful memories from his mind. Just wanting some peace.

"Hey, here's a book people'll actually wanna read...!" Lee suddenly suggested.

Ed and Eddy's thrashing stopped. What little breath Edd had pushed out of him.

"I can see it now! After another one of their stupid ideas fail; Ed, Edd 'n Eddy-"

"Ha! She said it!" Ed giggled, until Lee beaned him with a tire iron.

"As I was sayin'...!" Lee growled, it took her another stroke of that single chin hair to find her spot, "Oh, yeah...! Ed, Edd 'n Eddy are whisked away by their lovely wives and taken on a dirty, raunchy, homoerotic journey to discover their inner bottom bitch!"

"Oh, I like that one!" Laughed May.

"We'll call it, "Fifty Shades of Ed"!" Lee finished.

When the three Kankers turned, the Eds were met with a slight twinkle in their hooded eyes, a slight trickle (or in May's case, a cascade) of drool rolling off the corner of their lips before their tongue washed over them. They feared that look since the first time they saw it.

"Looks like you get to have your adventure after all, boys!" Marie purred.

Fear had a way of delaying proper responses. For the several paces the Eds were dragged, the implication hung over their heads, waiting. In time, the trailer park gradually faded into the horizon, and now implication struck the wind from each Ed.

"OH _FUCK_ NO!" Eddy screamed.

And with that strike, desperation blazed and the Eds thrashed and kicked and clawed and screamed with all the futile power that desperation granted.

"BAD TOUCH! FIFTY SHADES OF BAD FOR ED!" Ed blared

"NOT LIKE THIS! ANYTHING BUT _THIS_!" Edd cried. "HELP! SOMEONE! ANYONE!"

Seeing this, the Kankers cackled again. "Oh, I just _love_ watchin'em squirm!" Lee laughed.

And then they stopped.

For all their kicking and screaming, the Eds didn't notice the rest in action until a trash can, courtesy of Marie, bounced off their heads. When The Eds did stop, they followed the Kanker's gaze to something standing in the brush of the forest.

"What's that?" May finally asked.

"It's a statue, dumbass!" Marie answered.

"Hey, y'know who that looks like?" Lee wondered, "That weird Indian guy! What's his name?"

"Hiya, Rolf!" Ed greeted.

Focusing passed the net, Edd could indeed see the statue took the likeness of Rolf. Dressed in his Urban Rangers uniform with arms pressed to his sides, the statue cast a scornful glare towards the Kankers staring at it. Edd couldn't tell, with this net in the way, but he could swear there was something in the statue's hand.

"I think it's starin' at us!" May said.

Before Lee cracked her palm upside her head. "Statues don't stare, retard!"

"That's why they're statues!" Marie added.

"Now c'mon!" Lee ordered, "Our _husbands_ have some husbandly duties to fulfill!"

The moment The Kankers took their attention away from the statue...

"SHAKLAVAH!"

They turned and the statue was on Lee, clubbing her over the face with a fish. As she stumbled back,

"GERONIMO!"

Above Marie a blur of blue and yellow descended from the trees and pounced on her, while something spun into May's face.

With the net, the poor vantage and the chaos of limbs, The Eds could hardly see what was happening. It didn't help when a familiar blue vest over a yellow T-shirt appeared in front of them.

"Outta the way, Jimmy! I can'-" Eddy stopped. "Jimmy? Is that really you?!"

"Hold still, fellas!" Jimmy hissed and from a backpack, he produced a pair of hedge clippers. Breath and hope bloomed in their chests. Here were the Urban Rangers, coming to save _them_! However, Jimmy found himself struggling. Even with his whole body on the lever, the clippers stuck into the line.

"Jimmy!" Edd called to him, "The Kankers treated this net with their rubber cement! You need to use Acetone to dissolve it!"

Jimmy blinked. "Acetone?"

"The honor of the Urban Rangers shall be avenged Kanker witch!" Rolf roared behind them.

Edd bit his lip, having enough view to see Lee catch Rolf's mackerel then use is to throw him against a tree. With a wheez, Rolf crumbled to the ground. Hurry up, Eddward! Edd wracked his brain: Various cleaning products had that crucial formula; Laundry detergent, a particle board, paint remover, fingernail polish remov- That was it!

"Jimmy, have you any nail polish remover?" Edd urged.

"What?!" Eddy snapped behind him.

"This isn't the time for a makeover, Double D!" Jimmy strained, those hedge clippers still weren't clipping.

"No! Nail polish remover contains acetone, which should dissolve the rubber cement!" Edd hastily explained.

"Hey, get this thing off me!"

Every eye turned to see May's wrestling match with a hunk of wood go to the ground. Rolling about, May could only keep Plank at arms' length in the brief moments she was prone. The whole time, cold crayoned eyes stared, smiling. Always smiling.

The chaos stopped for a moment.

"Really, May?" Marie sighed.

The fighting resumed. Meanwhile, Jimmy fished out a bottle of nail polisher remover, nearly fumbled with it that dumped its contents over the net. As Edd predicted, the formula already began its work and Jimmy's clippers bit then severed the bonds. The three Eds dug their way from the net, Eddy pushing Edd aside before Ed grabbed the sock-hatted one on his way out.

"FREEDOM!" Ed cheered, "NO RAPE FOR ED!"

Finally able to see the fight proper; they could see Lee charging at Rolf while the farmer pushed himself to sit crossed legged. With a roar, Lee hefted the fish up and swung down all of her force... Right into Rolf's feet?

"What th-" Lee barely had time to be shocked.

Rolf rolled back, allowing the force of Lee's strike to yank her into the tree supporting his posture. A subtle _CRUNCH_ carried over to the Eds, who winced. When Lee stumbled back on unstable legs, the onlookers could make out a splatter of blood where Lee's face kissed the tree.

At the same time, Marie had caught Jonny in a headlock. Yet, the nature-lover took to pounding into her mid-section the moment her arms circled his neck. Wincing and gritting her teeth, Marie struggled through the blows until one of them sunk into her lower abdomen.

Edd, despite everything, nearly shared her pain. Did Jonny know he just struck her ovaries? Regardless, Marie's hold slacked and the boy spun behind her, locking arms against that same spot (perhaps he does) then bent backwards, lifting the gasping, groaning Marie up, back and suplexed her head into the soil.

May finally had the presence of mind to simply throw Plank away. Yet, having thrown the aspiring floorboard sideways; Plank simply made a U-Turn and the edge of his head clocked May across the temple. She stumbled, teetering towards Marie who finally yanked her head from the ground, and fell on her, shoving it back in.

Lee, with her hand staining red from covering a broken nose recovered, only then registered Rolf stalking her.

"Why you no good, dirty, motherfu-"

Her cocked fist left her open, and Rolf simply swung the mackerel up into her chin. A thick **SPLAT** confirmed his counter, with Lee senting floating backward. Despite having May's weight on her, Marie's head emerged from the earth a second time. Then Lee fell joined the Kanker pile and Marie was made to continue her Ostrich impression.

The dust settled. Jonny caught Plank as he flew back to his lifelong friend and Rolf flicked the dirt from his weapon. They all took a moment, looking at the crumbled pile of limbs that once had been the bane of their existence.

"Holy shit! They did it!" Eddy wasn't sure he believed his own words.

"Yes, the honor of the Urban Rangers has b-"

Marie's head plucked from the earth. Her sisters stirred back to consciousness. One by one, the sisters rose. Marie shook her head, and the dirt from her blue mane. Lee set her bloody nose straight, not even wincing as it _popped_ into place. May sprung to her feet and menaced a tree behind her sisters. Marie back handed her and she turned.

Silence.

The Kankers took a step forward. The Eds turned wide, dilating eyes on their rescuers... And watched them sprint in the opposite direction. Aren't they going to...

"Quick!" Jimmy urged from behind them, "Come with us if you wanna live!"

No one had to tell The Eds twice. With hell hot on their heels, fear became fuel and fatigue was a myth. They didn't look back. They must never look back. To look back was to invite capture. To look back was to resign yourself to a fate that made death seem like a vacation.

Okay, perhaps one look wouldn't...

"GOOD LORD!" Marie was barely a breath away from snatching Edd's hat. "STEP ON IT FELLOWS! THEY'RE GAINING!"

Suddenly, Rolf whistled and ahead of him, his goat, Victor, his pig, Wilfred, and his cow... His cow burst out from the brush parallel to the runners and fell in beside them. With a hop, Jonny and Rolf mounted Victor and Wilfred with a practiced easy.

When Jimmy prepared the same, a rock stubbed his toe and inertia planted his face in the dirt. His desperate flailing managed to catch the cow's tail, leaving the wailing, crying sod to be dragged against the dirt. Every once in a while he was flipped and turned andthe trees carried his cries across the forest.

"Hold on, Jimmy!" Jonny shouted.

"Turkey Eyes Ed-Boy!" Rolf addressed Ed, "Throw your companions to us! Quickly!"

"But what of Jimmy, Rol-"

Edd, along with Eddy were quickly collected in each of Ed's hands before they were thrown flailing and screaming towards the rangers. Jonny only had to hold up Plank for Edd to grab before he was flung unto Victor's back -who bleated a protest- behind him.

"Nice catch, buddy!" Jonny complimented Plank.

Plank just smiled.

Eddy's screams halted cold when Rolf's hand snatched his cowlicks from the air and slapped the boy over his shoulder. When the stars faded and his breathing reset, he stared down at Rolf's "steed".

"Why I gotta ride the pig?!"

Jimmy's cries snatched everyone's attention. With every rock, and uneven terrain and exposed root bumping him up, his grip slipped lower.

"Oh curse my dainty, baby smooth palms!" Jimmy cried.

"Do not let go, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf shouted.

"Ed, do something!" Edd cried.

Ed's eyes sharpened. "MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!"

Ed's sprint became a charge. Jimmy's grip slipped away, leaving the screaming boy to sprawl right into Ed's hands. Using the momentum of the catch, Ed then swung his arm and catapulted Jimmy in an arc, where he landed on his back over the cow's back.

He could barely feel May's fingers on his skin when he pitched forward unto all-fours and sped up behind, then under the cow.

"Moo?!" The cow, Jimmy and all, was suddenly hefted unto Ed's back piggy-back style. The bovine stared at the boy, then up at Jimmy. At least she didn't have to carry both of them.

"Ranger Jonny...!" Rolf shouted.

Jonny nodded then turned to Edd. "Take over, Double D!" He said then swung around to switched places with the sock-hatted boy.

Suddenly holding Plank in one hand and Victor's horn in the other, Edd's gaze frenzied about the animal. "Oh, dear! I'm driving without a license! How do I steer?! Are there turning signals?!"

"Just keep'em steady, Double D!" Jonny instructed and twisted at the waist to face the Kankers.

"YER NOT GETTIN' AWAY YOU HOMEWRECKERS!" Shrieked Marie

The angry, battered and bloody hags-in-training were still three paces back. Jonny shook his head; they just don't know when to quit.

"GET BACK HERE WITH OUR HUSBANDS!" Demanded Lee.

Jonny took a trio of acorns and a slingshot from a vest pocket, bit the stems off then knocked them in the sling and drew it back.

"'N GIMME BACK MUH BACK-SCRATCHER!" May screeched.

"Scratch _this_!" Jonny spat.

The acorns landed in each Kanker's mouth and went down to their throats. Their pursuit tripped over itself, the Kankers clutching their throats, gagging. Lee tried to force herself up before the three of them each vomited up a tree that shoved them up into the treeline before branches and leaves bloomed, and pushed them off and back to the earth.

The Eds and Urban Rangers were too far away to hear the resounding **BOOM** their impact made, and the wheezes rushing out of them when the impact stole their breaths. Silence settled and as twilight cast the forest into shadows. Yet, Lee's eyes burned like the morning sun. With a roar she hefted her sisters on her shoulders and dumped them aside, then charged face first into the tree.

With Lee nursing her crushed nose, her sisters took note of the new trees blocking their progress.

"Hey, these trees are in the way!" May complained.

"No shit, Einstein!" Marie spat.

"C'mon! We'll go the other way and cut'em off at the pass!" Lee barked. And her sisters fell in behind her berserker's pace, blood flying from her destroyed nose.

 _SNAP_

May stopped. Then her sisters stopped and marched right up to her.

"What the hell, May?!" Marie demanded.

If the two had only looked down, they would noticed the severed rope at May's foot. Instead, a eerie _creak_ brought their attention west as a log swung into their faces and brought the stars to their eyes. Grunting and yelling, the Kankers sprawled across bushes and branches then down a hill, until finally a hole swallowed them.

In a pile, yet again, Lee once again forced herself to her feet and her sisters tumbling to the ground. Her head whipped about to observe darkness, whisking blood this way and that. Thankfully this hole was in a clearing and the moon and stars greeted them from the heavens. It would serve as a beacon, one that would direct Lee and her sisters out of this hole and lead them to their new prey. If her rabid clawing could get her out of the hole instead of tossing dirt about.

Annoyed, but fatigued, May and Marie gave their surroundings a more detailed look. For instance, the moon highlighted a small, solitary creature who watched the sisters with a hollow gaze.

"He look! A possum!" May pointed out.

Marie looked at the creature who canted its head, staring at them still. From the light, she made out a body of mottled grays, and a white face striped black. She turned a flat stare at her sister then slapped the blonde idiot upside her head. "You idiot! That's a-"

"WHO CARES ABOUT SOME STUPID SKUNK?!" Lee should have turned around. Should have seen the "Skunk" get taken aback by her shouting then snarl, its mouth frothing with bubbling outrage. "... We need to get outta this hole 'n hunt down those husband steal- AAAAH!"

And a furry torpedo sunk its foam-saturated jaws into her neck.

* * *

 _Author's note_ _: And now for a little game._

 _1: You notice on a phone that the digits also have letters attached to them. Sometimes they're used to dial a word. What word does the phone number in the letter spell?_

 _2\. What animal is currently mauling the Kanker Sisters?_

 _Whoever can guess these correctly will get a cookie!_


End file.
